Conference # 4: negative on the. and in society

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By the Oxford dictionary is the most popular in the year 2018 is the word “toxic”. Called toxic conditions in the workplace, cases of harassment, abuse of authority, family relationships, society and social networks. Although the dictionary Ozhegova is ratings popular Russian words :), It is already clear that Russia’s toxic mood also soaked all the information space.

If you don’t care about the topic of negativity, we invite you to participate in the discussion. Under the cut are waiting for one of the longest posts on the.. Perhaps it will help to cope with the impact of toxic people or get rid of negative thinking.

Criticism is negative or not?

Try to look at the wording

The main battle at the. happen due to the fact that there is no clear boundary between negative criticism and constructive is impossible. Each author and reader your opinion on this matter. And in case of conflict, to apologize for the harsh Russian people are not very used 🙂 In the debate about how the author fits the tone or makeup, fighting to first blood. Is there a result?

Criticism is the analysis, assessment and judgment about the phenomena of any areas of human activity.

Let’s see what he says about criticism of Natalia Stilson, psychotherapist, and how to take criticism in different situations instagram-bloggers.

Constructive criticism — when messages are intended to establish the status quo, improve relationships, understand each other better. When this person is criticizing:

  • set up friendly
  • does not cross social boundaries
  • not go into personal space criticized
  • interested in developing some new solutions
  • ready to give up their positions for the sake of consensus
  • doing it in a timely manner, i.e. when the correction of the situation may
  • can clearly explain what he wants

“I am very grateful to my husband that once he expressed to me his opinion on my feet, without him, there would not be this blog, my new profession (fitness trainer, nutritionist), would not have been more than 9,000 women enrolled in my program… Just one phrase, casual, made me think, and really, not whether to do them.

Love and acceptance in the family should have its limits. A love worth killing for. If you allow everything. Somehow Rossiyushke we women are used to be kitchen slaves, who are in favor of the interests of the family head, put aside interesting work, writing dissertations, Hobbies, and sit barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen (C) if only the faithful stroking their overly curvy hips or the sides, saying “You’re a good one, maaaaany”.

But in reality, a close person is our mirror, it can show you all your flaws and to push the development because we are unhappy with themselves, but afraid to admit it even to yourself! And just need to be grateful for this support, especially if it is made public in a tactful manner. Another thing is that to change something for someone is a thankless task! Because after the feet have other deficiencies that must be corrected, and so on to infinity. To share his and others ‘ goals is necessary, but also to live in an atmosphere of complacency is fatal.”

Anna Lysenko, a coach, a nutritionist.

Unconstructive criticism is associated with situations where it is useless. We often judge what we on the basis of observations of reactions around us. And at the same time, expect from others the reactions that we think is “normal”. It seems to us that we know not only the content of the thoughts of other people, but what they feel. Can you tell someone something rude, not thinking that she would fetch him, ‘ if you don’t consider it offensive. We expect from others what, in our inner conviction, “normal people do”.

Non-constructive criticism can be given:

  • too late (you had to do…)
  • incompetent (if I was a pilot…)
  • not apply to your specific situation (what to do with a noisy child, without the knowledge of why the child rustles)
  • the meaning of criticism is contrary to the desire to criticize (you have to buy not apples and pears. What if I want a pear?)
  • based on their different experiences, the value of which is doubtful (that’s my great-grandfather in 1812…)

“In our society people tend to Express their assessment, covering all veil of kindness, caring and “who besides me will tell you that”. To tell people about their disadvantages are strictly prohibited. In 99% of cases a stranger to a person’s appearance does not concern: crooked teeth do not bite you, not tickling whiskers, the glasses don’t have you nightmares. Alien appearance, percentage of fat in the tissues of the body, if this body is not yours, the attitude towards hair and manner of dress does not concern you in any way.

The statement of valuation opinion, is the behavior of the child at age 5-7 years. The child who can’t feel what kind of offense it causes, can not think so sensibly, to stop the flow of his rambling thoughts. In General, in our culture there is no difference between the expression of the feelings of adults thinking people and children, without thinking.

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The child will say, you Have a fat ass.

Adult: the girl has a fat ass. Strange-why do I care? Maybe I have the same fat ass. Looks like if my butt is as big or her ass is even less than mine. Why the girl with this ass know what I think about her ass? don’t hurt the girl with his statement? Or maybe she got the hottest ass in the world, and at me complexes?

It’s called analysis. Yes, analysis is a very complex mechanism that makes our brain work and not just say all that spinning in my head. Sorry for such able to come.”

Anna Brewer, programmer, blogger.

Destructive criticism, in fact, not a criticism, but a form of aggression. No no not looking for consensus, and meets their emotional needs, taking different kinds of negativity at the time.

Or in this case, criticism is used as a tool of manipulation. The main message of this criticism is to lower the opponent at least a step below and due to this win. To force someone to do what the critic wants. And if we don’t get to do, then, at least, cause have criticized feelings of guilt and shame.

In this case, the critic usually can’t explain what he doesn’t like exactly what you need to do to be liked (“go fuck yourself” and absurd observations do not count). His criticism sounds like a command and an insult. Such criticism is often based on the assessment of the personality attributed to criticise.

I am convinced that a large percentage of today’s young women live with the feeling like catching up with someone or something. Even if they are not willing to admit it. Endless marathons, triathlon. Self-fulfillment, motherhood, creativity, the need to please someone, trying to be a good wife and exciting woman. If each stage is a tough judge, often in the face of the same woman. Then the number of those who knows how it should be, media and social networks. Being a sixteen year old girl, I read that women — born revolutionaries and anarchists. Then I did not understand until the end why. Time passed and in me enough strength to say: Yes, it is! Some of us have nothing left but to decide to revolt. To unsubscribe from this endless race. Give everyone around them waiting on our account. Afford not to prove that you have the right to be exactly who you are.

Alexander Tonko, jivamukti yoga teacher, blogger.

So, we found that criticism can be a useful thing, but only under certain conditions. If your criticisms are not willing to listen, then there is no point in continuing to knock on the door. If you truly want to help people, try to choose a suitable form of criticism or advice, otherwise it is no use to anyone except the critic.

You do not read the Constitution?!

Or head on why trolls live in deep burrows

Trolling is a form of social provocation or bullying in social networking, used as a personalized actors interested in greater awareness, publicity, outrageous and anonymous users without the possibility of identification.

The first mention of trolling recorded in 1992. Since then, the subculture managed to pass a few turns of development to come to mass distribution. For the first time faced with a strange comment in the network, you will probably begin to defend their point of view, may be surprised, offended or translate all the humor. At the twenty-fifth message starts to twitch his eyes. A few reviews can easily snap at the person who just wrote: “can you take my picture?”. This is trolling, the main goal is just to cut the ground from under his feet. Provocation — the main weapon of trolls. Give in to provocations — “feed the Troll”.

How to identify a Troll in the debate:

  • always wants to win the argument, ignoring even their own beliefs — “you cringe, this does not apply to this situation”;
  • discuss the person or situation in the broadest possible sense — “you know, there needs to be a balance”;
  • forced to defend himself — “you seem like an adult”;
  • annoying interlocutor that he lost his temper — “this behavior — a lot of immature personalities!”;
  • replaces the concept to distort the essence of the issue — “it is not I’m breaking the rules, is you plug my mouth!”;
  • confusing meaningless or scandalous statements “is you have that butt plug?”;
  • loads the conversation about facts or sense — “already all have long known that there are such lists”;
  • uses weaknesses (appearance, character, ability) — “with the wart on lip is generally lipstick to not show!”;
  • goes to the person (physical condition, personal preferences, family) “well, why buy a Suite, if money for repairs!”;
  • convinced that you need to know/be able to/love according to him — “how can we continue this discussion, if you have no idea about the dialectic!”;
  • counter intelligence (force) emotions (weakness) — “Whatever the circumstances and the source of emotions, emotion is considered a flaw, a weak spot that you want to use others and ignore or disable themselves,” a quote from the book the Whitney Phillips.
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Trolls are always concerned about the Ecumenical mission that they carry the weight with the tenacity of zealots. “If you have a mustache above the lip, we come to you!”. This is not to learn the name of the offender, not to find a person or contact. Trolls live in their Autonomous hole and, unlike their victims, always covered with anonymity.

I think in the end it will become an excuse for the real bastards: “we’re just trolls”. And then trolling would become synonymous with crime.

Writer Whitney Phillips devoted to the study of trolling a lot of time to understand the essence of the phenomenon. In her book she referred to two studies of 2014, in which canadian psychologists Erin Buckels, Paul Trapnell and DelRoy Paulus confirmed the hypothesis of correlation of Machiavellianism, narcissism, psychopathy and sadism with the personal traits of a Troll. One chart instead of a thousand words.

Today, there are about a dozen major Russian forums and resources where trolls and haters. It would be foolish to deny that the authors of Cosmeticly they do not attend. See what Whitney says about the influence of trolls in the community:

“The existence of trolls — and even the possibility of their existence makes members of the community to drastically reduce the credibility of strangers and tolerance of those who have not yet learned the laws of the community. In short, trolls stimulate the development of paranoia, and paranoia overshadows the atmosphere of the eager expression of online community.”

However, there is always a choice whether to participate in the trolling, adopting its ideology, or eliminate all its symptoms from your life. If you think that being left out of the process because nothing “this” does not write. Consider quote Phillips, which concludes this part of the conference.

Until something changes, trolling will be involved a lot more people than there are trolls — people who choose when to play wrath, and when evasive shrug. Or, worst of all, sit back and cynically giggle.

Negative as cause of depression

Why you need to protect yourself from the stress right now

Ironically, in 1992, the world health organization (who) first announced world mental health day, which is now held annually on 10 October. Unfortunately, data for recent years indicate that the process and the number of mental disorders develop synchronously. A reason to think about how to protect ourselves from the negative, not to extend it.

One of the causes of depression, a major illness of the XXI century, is the constant negativity and stress that surround us everywhere. Here are just a few disappointing numbers:

  • depression is the No. 1 reason for absences, by 2020 it will become the most common disease for the duration of incapacity to work per year, overtaking infectious and cardiovascular diseases (who data);
  • only two of the five people after receiving treatment for depression achieved complete mental health (data sciencedirect.com)
  • cortisol (the stress hormone) is produced more often in teenagers, the more friends they have in Facebook (data ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)

In September last year around the world held a flash mob “depression has no face”. In their social networks people share beautiful pictures, which depicted the smiling faces and happy moments, parties, selfie, family holidays. And under the pictures was a true story that at this point, they hated myself, thought about suicide, or not being able to breathe out of despair.

Go back to the.. If author photos from some of the post in your opinion it’s not very good is not a reason to pounce on him and accuse of all mortal sins. Perhaps you now want to deprive him of one of the ways to cope with life’s difficulties. Aimlessly, casually — just “because”. And even if the person looks in the photo perfectly, this does not automatically talking about his excellent material condition, the harmony of the soul and stress. To be a little kinder to others, you see, not so hard ❤I

Commentators and neurotransmitters

How our body responds to negative

First, for any act or react to the thought cells of the body. They are using the receptors secrete neuropeptides and neurotransmitters, which through a series of chemical interactions deliver “a report about what is happening” in the limbic system. Literally, it means that any event or thought do not go unnoticed for the body. Neuropeptides are capable of a few hours to transfer your attitude to the synapses of other cells. However, some cells receive a greater share of the impact.

It is a kind of vicious circle. You react adversely, the negative is transferred to other cells, they in turn divide, forming new cells, prepared again and again to respond to the negative. You can call this process the habit of negative thinking. And habits can be changed 🙂 And that’s good news.

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When the body, recognizing the negative, begins to produce stress hormones, the limbic system tends to balance as any method, preferably the fastest. Nervous — eat some chocolate, get the hormones of joy. Do not be distracted by the complex of thought and action, the limbic system doesn’t want that 🙂 Thus create stable neural connections.

Unfortunately for us, there are also chains of negative reactions — I saw a nasty review, snapped, wrote stuff, got a shot of adrenaline. If you want to change the thinking towards positive, first you need to understand at what point triggered the negative chain of neural connections. What exactly do you react on the person, the situation, the word? Why is it so annoying? At what point can you stop a negative chain?

So, in the end, to do with all this?

A few tips on how to fight negativity

The Internet provides great opportunities, and all use them differently. Someone who learns and develops, someone under the mask of invisibility allows you to say what they would never say in reality. Whitney Phillips in his book, among other things, says that trolls are not some dregs of society, not criminals and repeat offenders. Troll — an ordinary man who is a friend, a colleague, friend or yourself.

You can swear on the Bible that nothing that you wrote, and just wanted to help. But the true message of the message is visible always, regardless of whether there is a smiley at the end of the sentence or how safe is the wording chosen. The essence of the conflict usually lies in the misunderstandings and emotions. And if thoughts and emotions are negative, you consciously or unconsciously broadcast them to others.

I think adults adequate people just don’t fight with each other. I think we all can be some differences. Can imagine like this but I don’t fight with people. When I have conflicts, I understand what could be the problem with me. I sometimes pushing too hard, or seems right to me just my point of view.

Adele miftahova, geologist, blogger.

To finish the conference want a few tips on how to cope with negativity. You can accept this information or challenge — the choice is yours 🙂

How to cope with the emotions from the hurtful comment and not lose motivation?

Fail to offend someone, yet he is not ready to be offended. In General, all events are neutral, meaning the weight we attach to them ourselves. Identify the real cause of their grievances, determine the purpose of stay on the site and focus on that. Otherwise, the negative will deprive time and desire to do what you really love and want.

I passed the negative thinking from others, can not cope, what to do?

Who came here to find others ‘ faults and dirty Laundry, he finds them regardless of the situation. Separate your goals from other people — do not forget why you’re here. Praise yourself even for small achievements. Rejoice in the successes, and not keep a record of other people’s mistakes — “today my photo is better than yesterday!” or “how well-designed post!”.

How to deal with toxic people, so they do not spoil my life?

No way to communicate. To ignore them in all communications. Why do we need communication, which consumes energy? Try to fix the time of the appearance of negativity and change your reactions. Remember the neuropeptides 🙂 the Habit of positive thinking can be formed — train it like a muscle!

But bad emotions you can’t just say “stop”!

It’s true. Not to say all is well, you need to feel it. While emotion is not completed, the biochemistry of the body will not disappoint — it continues to respond to the negative. Stay negative emotion to the end. For example, write in a notebook about my feelings, and then remove or tear written.

How to disconnect from negative feelings right now?

  • Breathe deeply and slowly — nervous system will react by calming.
  • Move right in — this triggers the production of positive neuropeptides.
  • Take a walk: fresh air is an effective drug even from depression.
  • Every negative point cover at least one positive.
  • Find something to say “thank you!” to this day, and do it sincerely 🙂

In the comments share with us your thoughts on the topic. For those who want to improve the skills of positive thinking right now, every message with curses in address of the administration to complete a gratitude to your favorite authors 😉 And write, what good happened to you today, no matter what field it is!

Thanks for the read and live 🤗

Breathe deeply 💚

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